Car Trauma

My car has had quite the traumatic life lately. Amongst all of the "character" that Etta the Jetta already had, last week her side view mirror was hit (found dangling from a wire) and then over the weekend someone smashed my window to steal my GPS. Jerks. The amount of money that it cost me to replace the window (thanks, Justin, for figuring that out for me!) was the same amount that the GPS was probably worth. You could have just asked for it and saved me the extra fee.

Anyway, it has become quite apparent to me over the past few days just how important that tiny little side view mirror is to my driving abilities. Not only is it distracting when it flaps in the wind on freeways or shows the shadows on the pavement of passing cars instead of what's "closer than it may appear." But also, merging into the left lane is nearly impossible without turning around. Something just came to me: Maybe that's why my neck has been hurting for the past few days. Hmmm...

I don't recommend you try living without that side view mirror, but if you ever have to you will know just exactly what I mean. It's crazy. Whoever invented that little guy was a genius!

A Few of My Favorite Things

1. Traffic cops who do their job.
2. Rush Hour that reaches the 25 MPH mark.
3. People who use their blinkers.
4. Slowing (rather than slamming) into a break.
5. The HOV lane when I'm carpooling (I hate it when I'm not).
6. When the radio listeners think they're supposed to be afraid of "black guys" rather than "black ice." Can we say Southern California weather? :)
7. My first car CD player. EVER. Changed my world last week.
8. Clean windows.
9. The gratuitous wave (rather than the pissed off finger).
10. The Zipper Effect!

Suggestions for more traffic Favorite Things this holiday season?

Traffic Joke

This was forwarded to me by my father. Thought it was appropriate :)

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here? ' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? ' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Happy Thanksgiving!

I know Thanksgiving is the most traveled day in the entire year, but man does it make for an easy commute to work. Apparently no one is at work this week, which is great for me! Smooth sailing ahead! Now, if only they'd stay off the road for the rest of the year...

Happy early Thanksgiving to me ;) (And you too of course.)

Mantras

I was sitting in a car yesterday and the driver turns to look at the guy who won't let her merge into the straight only lane and says, "Did that make you feel better, honey?" Classic. I think that will be my new driving mantra.

Right Turn Only?

What kind of hurry do you need to be in to screech out of the regular lane to go into the right-turn-only lane to pass me in an intersection? And then give me a look like I'M the one who's crazy? You just used the turn lane as your personal traffic hopper, Mac. Get back in line!

PS. Mac was what my grandpa used to call a driver who pissed him off, since he didn't swear. Cutest thing ever.

On Ramp Perp

Where to begin...there were so many gaffes this morning, I'm just not sure which one to choose. Let's start with the one I observed from the safety of my own vehicle.

There's a point on a major freeway in San Diego where several smaller roads have to merge onto the road. Inevitably, this causes traffic to slow down since we're trying to work on that zipper effect as mentioned earlier on this blog. Of course not everyone chooses to partake in such a social norm. That's fairly status quo. However, this morning I watched a guy merge FROM the smaller road onto the on ramp by jumping over before everyone in front of him, THEN, once he had comfortably acclimated into the flow of traffic, he refused to let one of his compatriots from the smaller lane zipper in front of him. OK, I tried to draw a picture to show what happened. The guy in red is the perp. The two cars in front of him are merging onto the ramp, as they should. He, on the other hand, is going out of turn and out of the lane to get on the on ramp first. Now he's safely in the on ramp traffic, where (since he got over before the end of his ramp) he should now take his turn and let someone in from his side road. Does he do that? Of course not! He's in! That's all that matters to him. Screw the guy behind him who's turn it is to merge. I hope that makes sense. All that needs to come across is that some drivers are so selfish that they don't even realize they're screwing over the group of people they were just waiting in line with. UGH. And, I ended that sentence in a preposition. Good lord. This day is going GREAT! :)

Pass Go

It is not OK with me when you speed up to pass me and then slam on the breaks once you're in front of me. If you can't pass me at your normal speed, then get in line behind me!

CalTran Qualms

Someone broke down this morning in the left lane of a two-lane on ramp. As a seriously busy ramp, the traffic hurdle caused a delay all the way up through the freeway near my house. I definitely feel horrible for that person on the receiving end of all the that's-why-we're-stuck-in-traffic fingers, but the worst part was that there was a cop in the shoulder just sitting there watching it all happen.

And here, dear cohorts, is the crux of the problem: California transit police (called CalTran) clearly lack in helping traffic problems. There's an accident? Let's let the commuters fend for themselves around the debris. There's an event? Let's let the commuters fend for themselves through the intersection. There's a broken down car? Let's let the commuters fend for themselves around the car.

Maybe instead of just watching the traffic pile up around you, you could get off your cell phone and help direct traffic or help push the car safety to the shoulder with you. (I can tell you from first-hand experience that a Maryland highway patrol man helped me push my car from the left lane of 83 to the right shoulder three lanes later. It is possible, and since CaTran is so keen on stopping traffic with their crazy swerving action, you know they wouldn't mind doing it. So do it!)

Crazy CalTran. What do you get paid to do?

Call for Callout

"Steph, a post completely devoted to motorcycles and their general douchebagginess is necessary, stat."

Well, I have a friend with a motorcycle, so I'm a bit biased here. I have to say that ever since he bought it, I started looking at their drivers a bit differently. I can't help seeing Sean when I see a motorcyclist when I'm in traffic, so I inevitably let them do whatever they want. Clearly, I am not the right person to write a post about the douchebagginess of motorcyclists. Anyone want to give it a go? I know there's someone out there with an opinion and a computer :) And be sure to add somewhere in that post how not wearing a helmet can be considered douchebagginess (or natural selection, as my father puts it).

Tirade Twitter

If you haven't noticed already, Bree Brown has agreed to tweet about her traffic tirades. I must say, this type of writing was made for people like her: Precise, ironic, and honest. Follow Traffic Tirades tweets here!

Oh, and enjoy the weekend. Just think: Two full days of NO rush hour!

Double Schlameel

Mood: Terrified!

This is going to be short and sweet this morning. I don't really need to vent. However, I do need to put out a public notice regarding missing tail lights. When one of your tail lights is out (called a schlameel in my family), you are forgiven. It takes most people a while to realize that this has happened, since, you know, you can't really see your butt (much like how I feel when I'm getting dressed in the morning...WHAT is going on back there?!). When you're missing two tail lights (referred to as a double schlameel), though, you need to get that sh*t handled asap.

I was behind a beat up truck this morning during rush hour traffic, merging (yes, I do it a lot) onto the freeway, and I found myself right up on his butt before realizing that he'd stopped. It took me at least two times of almost rear-ending him to figure out that it wasn't me (of course it's not ME). He didn't have lights to warn me that he was stopping. Oh, is THAT what those are for? I'm just glad I wasn't the one to rear end him and help him figure out why we have tail lights.

Housekeeping Items

1. If you'd like to leave a comment on this blog (please do!), you'll need to click on the little icon that looks like a pencil or the word "comment." I'm not sure why the layout I chose doesn't have the normal box for you to fill out right from the get-go, but the option IS there. Feel free to email me if you have problems figuring it out.

2. I'd like to give a big ol' shout out to Bree Brown for helping me decide on the name "Traffic Tirades." As a fellow East Coaster, I knew she'd be the person with the most sympathy toward my plight. Thanks, Bree!

The Zipper Effect

Here in California, before you can enter the freeway, you are first stopped at a red light at the on-ramp. The theory, apparently, is that by controlling the amount of people entering the freeway, they can control the traffic ON the freeway. It sounds like a great idea. However, this "great idea" creates tons of traffic on the side streets where people are lining up to get on the freeway. (Please excuse the rapid fire "freeway," but I have no other way to explain this other than a video, which I'm going out on a limb to say it's illegal to video tape while driving.)

Imagine tons of cars coming in from all different areas at one intersection, waiting turns to line up before the red light to get onto the freeway. Two lanes on the on ramp eventually go down to one, which means you're forced to merge with the other lane. Enter: The Zipper Effect. One car from the right lane goes, then one from the left lane, one from the right, one from the left, until we're all waiting in a single-file line.

If we could all hold hands and work together on this, my mornings would be so much easier. But is life that easy, you ask? Oh hell no. Instead of the group accepting that we all have to wait our turn, it's every man for himself. Granted, 99% of the people are willing to meld smoothly with the opposite lane. However, there's always that one jerk who decides he doesn't feel like waiting. He thinks that by not letting in the one car he's supposed to let in, he'll have won the morning's battle. Because, as you can imagine, getting to the red light one car length faster is sooo worth it.

Come on. I can see exactly how much time you've saved...ONE CAR LENGTH of time. Is it really worth pissing off your neighbors, your cohorts in this crazy thing we call "rush hour?" Does it make you feel that much better about your life that you're ONE CAR LENGTH AHEAD OF ME? Well you know what? If that's what you need to get you through the day, then so be it. Apparently you're time is more precious than mine, or your life is more atrocious than mine, and it feels good for me to be able to give you that one small victory in what you call your life. Good LORD.

[Deep breath.]

Thanks for listening.

Ready to Vent

Dear Fellow Sane Drivers,

It has come to my attention that everyone but me drives like a crazy person (I'm sure you feel the same). Other drivers don't follow social norms, they make up their own rules, they ignore others. Other people's driving habits are slowly driving me to insanity.

And so, to let out some of my vehicular steam, I've decided to start a blog for those of us who need a nice and neat outlet for this _____ [enter term here...today, for instance, I would have put "utter disappointment in the human race" in the blank].

Let me know what grinds your gears!

Stephanie